


Is this the magic of Christmas or the magic of love?

by Mimisempai



Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas [11]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A little angst, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Feelings, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:46:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28250352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: After his acquittal, Rafael decides to leave and leave everything behind,he decides to do this on Christmas Eve. But he has one last goodbye to make, and this is perhaps the most difficult.But it's Christmas Eve, what if Sonny could find a way to keep him...
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052099
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Is this the magic of Christmas or the magic of love?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MollyKillers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollyKillers/gifts).



> This one is for Mollykillers, who is first talented, and second one of the most enthusiastic person I am happy to know.

The amber liquid glowed in the light. Rafael turned the glass in his fingers.

He had decided that tomorrow would be the best day, when the rest of the world would be gathered together in warm, friendly, family groups. He had no one to be with, and if leaving that day seemed melodramatic, it still seemed the perfect day for that.

There was only one thing left for him to do.

A disillusioned sigh escaped Rafael's lips as he put the glass on the kitchen counter and turned to the front door. He put on his coat and walked out into the darkness.

________

Sonny was waiting for him when he arrived at Forlini’s. He looked ahead with an empty gaze and Rafael took a moment at the entrance to observe him.

He was no longer the eager detective with the terrible moustache from the first days. Or at least he wasn't so often. As if - and Rafael would really like that to be true - with Rafael, Sonny dropped his armor of bravado to be just him, without having to impress the gallery.

Sonny was his only regret - the only thing he would miss when he left. The one who would be hurt when he found out. The only reason Rafael might have considered staying.

But even Sonny wasn't enough. Even though Rafael loved him - and he loved him so much that it hurt sometimes - he also knew that the time would come when that love too would become unbearable. When the admiration in Sonny's eyes would inevitably turn to disappointment when he really would realize what his friend, his former mentor, had done. Even if justice found him not guilty.

"Rafael!"

Rafael came out of his reverie and nodded to Sonny.

"A beer and a scotch," he said to the bartender, then he paid and brought the glasses to the table, placing the beer in front of Sonny.

"Thank you," Sonny said, wrapping his hands around the base of the glass as he often did, as if to channel his energy.

Rafael put his coat on the back of his chair and sat down. He couldn't bring himself to meet Sonny's eyes, not yet, and it was Sonny who tilted his head to try to meet Rafael's averted gaze.

"Are you all right?" 

Rafael's heart tightened at the sound of concern he heard in Sonny's voice. For that too he could stay. If only this moment could last forever, if only he could stay here, warm and cared for, forever. That would be enough.

Rafael looked up, despair burning in his eyes, and Sonny let out a sigh.

"You're scaring me, Rafael. What's the matter?" Sonny frowned. 

"Nothing has happened. It's just that..." he stopped and Sonny leaned forward again, reaching out his hand to the other end of the table. 

"What's that?" Sonny asked. "What's going on?"

Rafael shook his head. " _ I'm leaving, I'm leaving, _ " he thought, but the words didn't come. 

Then he spat out, "I'm leaving."

"You're leaving... what?" Sonny stuttered. Sonny's mouth remained open. Emotions ran through his face; confusion and loss, helplessness. Anger. As usual the young detective was an open book.

"Where?" he asked curtly.

This last feeling, the anger, was exactly what Rafael needed, it would be easier, no regrets.

"It's not your problem," Rafael said coldly.

"Not my..." Sonny echoed, his face regaining color from the anger. "Are you kidding me, Rafael?" he hissed across the table. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just did."

Sonny was silent for a moment. "I thought - I thought..." he said, and his eyes fell on the table.

Rafael raised an eyebrow and said, "You thought wrong."

Sonny gasped suddenly, as if he had been hit.

Rafael knew it was better that way. " _ Let him hate me, _ " he thought, and got up to leave. "I wanted to say goodbye properly," he said, looking down on Sonny, who was sitting in amazement in front of him. "But I can see that you're angry. Goodbye Carisi." Rafael continued, pulling at his overcoat.

But the look in Sonny's eyes, when he met his own, was enough to slow Rafael's movements. He knew it would be a tense farewell, but he hadn't anticipated the sheer desolation that was now written on Sonny's face. He hurried off, but Sonny leapt up and grabbed him lightly by the forearm.

"Rafael, I -" Sonny began, rummaging through the pocket of his own jacket, pulling out a small package. He held it out and said, "It's for you." Surprised, Rafael accepted the gift, and Sonny turned around and walk out the door.

After Sonny left, Rafael dropped heavily on his chair and put the package on the table. It was wrapped in cheerful, though slightly damaged, Christmas paper and for a moment Rafael was drawn from his thoughts by a terrible curiosity. He reached out his hand and pulled a piece of the ribbon that held the paper in place, and it opened to reveal something that looked like a bookmark made out of wood. There was something finely engraved on the varnished wood.

Rafael took it in his hand to read what was written on it, and when Rafael touched it, he was overwhelmed by a stream of feelings and memories.

  
  


Astonishment.

_ "Dominick Carisi Jr., but call me Sonny." _

Annoyed.

_ "Am I right counselor?" _

Compassion.

_ "I was fooled by the Bishop." _

Fear.

_ "Sonny and Olivia were taken hostage." _

Relief.

_ "They are safe." _

Jealousy.

_ "Rollins and Carisi went to investigate for two days." _

Pride.

_ "I passed the bar exam." _

Tenderness.

_ "Rafael, I'm so glad you could come to my award ceremony." _

Then he read the sentence on the bookmark:

_ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. _

Another wave of memories and feelings came over him, but this time it wasn't his own. Like through other eyes.

Excitement.

_ "Rafael Barba, ADA" _

Disappointment.

_ "Booyah Fordham Law!" _

Joy.

_ "I hate to say it but you're right Carisi, you're right." _

Pride

_ "Well done Carisi!" _

Fear

_ "Barba was threatened on the steps of the courthouse." _

Address

_ "Don't get too used to it Sonny, but I'm proud of you." _

Love...

The picture of long fingers holding a small gouge engraving the words on the bookmark.

Rafael stayed a long time contemplating the bookmark, before deciding what to do next.

_ ________ _

All but one of the windows in the building were dark. Rafael stood outside on the sidewalk and watched a shadow pass by the window over and over again. Was it Sonny?

That was the moment. He could stay here, say his farewells in silence, and then leave. Sonny would never know that he had been there, and might forget him like that.

But the bookmark at the bottom of his pocket told a different story. The man who had made it, Sonny, imbued it with his own story. Rafael was a great believer in the fact that objects tell stories, especially when they were handmade, so he still had his child's plaid knitted by his grandmother, and when he covered his feet with it on winter evenings, he could feel the love she had given him.

That's why Rafael had no choice but to ring. He rang the first time, there was no answer on the intercom, so he rang again and again. Until a voice came in, "Who's there?"

"Sonny, it's me, Rafael! Please open the door!"

10 seconds of silence that seemed like an eternity to Rafael later, "Come in. It's at the third floor at the end of the hallway. There is no elevator."

At the buzz Rafael entered and walked two by two up the stairs to Sonny's floor. Arrived in front of his door he knocked slightly.

Tired, red eyes greeted him when Sonny finally opened the door.

"Hi," he said, too softly.

"Hi," replied Rafael, and then he took the bookmark out of his pocket. Sonny's eyes widened.

"You opened it," he said.

Rafael cleared his throat.

"May I come in?" he asked. Sonny stepped to the side, and Rafael entered. Once there, he turned around to find Sonny leaning against the wall near the door, his arms clutching his chest. Rafael squeezed the bookmark, letting all the feelings he found there seep through his veins and breathe new life into his heart.

"You love me," he said bluntly as he opened his eyes, and Sonny didn't deny it.

"I -" Rafael began, then he stopped, thinking again that it was not too late. But then looked around for a moment, trying to think of words that wouldn't come, and then he noticed, little by little, that this house was no warmer than his own. That it was dark and too immobile, and that Sonny lived there alone. 

"You love me," he said again.

"Yes," Sonny said softly, and Rafael crossed the room to stand in front of him. He showed him the bookmark; "Did you do this?"

Sonny nodded.

"I learned by myself and I often engrave without any particular goal, a little every day after work. It's a good way to let go, to let my mind wander a little. To think and remember."

He blushed as he said this, and Rafael, without thinking, raised the back of his fingers to lightly caress Sonny's warm, pale cheek. Sonny looked at him, eyes open, heart bare, and raised his hand to Rafael's chest, sliding it tremblingly up to his shoulder. He pulled gently, and Rafael closed the distance between the two, brushing Sonny's lips with his once then twice. He gasped softly as his forehead met Sonny's and he wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him close.

Sonny's eyes met Rafael's. "You love me too," he said breathlessly, and Rafael responded with a kiss. Rafael's hands slipped under Sonny's sweater, lifting his smooth chest, and Sonny panting withdrew and said, in a low voice, "Not here."

Rafael nodded and Sonny took his hand. He took him to his room, the only light coming from the Christmas lights through the curtains. Sonny sat on the bed behind him, pulling Rafael's coat over his head. Rafael dropped his coat and pulled his shirt off where it had tucked into his pants. Sonny took over and button after button, he revealed Rafael's torso and belly, tracing each pale line with his fingertips, 

and Rafael could feel Sonny's veneration in his touch.

He brought his hand close to Sonny's hair and ran his fingers through it, his heart jerking as Sonny closed his eyes and leaned into the caress. Rafael bent down to kiss his forehead, eyes and lips. He pulled Sonny's sweater over his head, then knelt down in front of him and began to undo his jeans.

"You don't have to..." Sonny began, and Rafael raised a finger to his lips.

"Shhh... Let me do it," he said, and Sonny nodded, kissing the fingertip on his lips. He raised his hips and Rafael pulled down his jeans and boxer shorts, smiling and licking his lips when Sonny's engorged dick appeared. He wrapped his fingers around it and squeezed it gently, and was rewarded with Sonny's gasp. Rafael brought his lips to the head of Sonny's cock, kissing it before running the tip of his tongue over the salty slit.

"Jesus," Sonny breathed, and when Rafael slid his mouth over Sonny's dick, and started to bob his head, Sonny knew he wouldn't last long. He tried to warn Rafael as he was coming by trying to lift his head, but Rafael just shook his head as he swept Sonny's hand and continued on. Sonny let himself be taken over by the sensations that overwhelmed him and let the orgasm wash over him.

Rafael swallowed every last drop and then crawled along Sonny's side and kissed him deeply. Then he wrapped himself around him, letting himself be carried by the afterglow until they found their breath again. Sonny, equal to himself in a chivalrous outburst, "What about you?"

Rafael took his hand and put it on his crotch making him feel the wet part of his pants.

"Oh? Really?"

"I can't help it, you're so hot when you come that I didn't even have to touch myself."

Sonny blushed with pleasure before he snuggled against Rafael again. Hugging him with his long arms. 

"Don't leave," he said softly, and Rafael didn't miss the slight quiver in his voice.

Rafael sighed. No matter what had happened tonight, tomorrow remained the same, there were the same fears and uncertainties to face. But there was something new, something that could change everything. There was love. He sighed again.

"I will stay." he replied, stroking Sonny's hair and tightening his embrace. "I will stay."

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Sarah as always for the beta !


End file.
